Being a huge follower in trending Fads, I now use Tumblr.

Clairemary.tumblr.com

All night long I had completely vivid dreams of receiving phone calls with people telling me it was all a mistake. The Chris called and said he was just in Rhode Island, and never told anyone. Why my dreams said that I don't know, but I woke up praying to see an updated Facebook status or anything at all from him. I think it's going to take a while for this all to really sink it. I've never lost someone and I thought the sadness would just go away within a few hours, but it doesn't. Last night Nate and i went out to dinner and then to a bar with a bunch of friends and it didn't take long for the tears to start pouring again even amongst so much joy in the room. I think myself and all of his friends know how truly lucky we were to have a friend like Chris. He gave everyone he met a chance and had the warmest heart. I keep wracking my brain to try and figure out how this all could have happened. These next few days, and weeks, and months will be some of the hardest.

I don't even know where these tears came from, but they won't stop. I can't even think. I want to run somewhere, but I can't move. I have been fortunate enough to have never lost a friend until now. I keep thinking I'm just going to bump into him this weekend at a show or out at the bar. Bmann will be missed forever.5/13/09 RIP

It's been awhile since I last wrote I suppose. My life has changed more than I ever thought it could in the span of 3 months. To summarize,...I got a new job in NY. On April 15th Nate and I moved into our new apartment in Manhattan, however I did most of the moving because he's not home obviously. So far the new job is okay. It gets really boring, but I'm happy to be living in the city and all. Since I've moved I've hardly even had any time to enjoy the city. Every weekend I've pretty much been flying somewhere to see Nate out on tour, or doing who knows what. I already miss some things from home, but I think I really miss what things were like a few years ago, not recently. Regardless,...that's about it.

So although I'm not longer going to school I feel like I'm finally doing something with my lifee.! About two weeks ago I posted an ad on Craigslist looking to be a Nanny in Manhattan and last thursday a woman emailed me. I interviewed on Saturday Morning in their Park Ave gorgeous beyond belief apartment, and today I got a call telling me I got the job.!
From 10am till 4 I will be working as an assistant/secretary in their office on 56th Street. And After that I will get their son from school and tutor him until 7. And the pay isn't too shabby either.
So in two weeks I will actually be becoming an adult.

Lots and Lots has been going on lately. Last week I withdrew from all of my classes, so I'm not longer going to school. Everyone asks why and I really don't have just one answer. I just was really unhappy. First I was unhappy at Montclair and thought maybe I just miss nate, or maybe I just don't like this school. But this whole semester I've been home, and with Nate and I was just as unhappy as before. I really just need to figure out what I want and it's going to take time.

I feel like I use to have so much direction, and I knew exactly what i wanted out of life and exactly how i was going to get to that point, and now I have absolutely no clue.

On another note I got some really awful news from a really good friend of mine yesterday. She was pregnant with her second baby and in about her 10th week, so she went for her first ultrasound and the doctor told her she was pregnant with twins, and they were conjoined at the chest. There was only one heart so they would more likely than not die further along into the pregnancy and it could put a lot of stress on her heart too, so they had to go in and terminate it. I just feel so awful, and can't imagine what she must be going through right now. The scary thing is that this happens to 1 out of every 100,000 pregnancies. I suppose my life could be worse right now when put into perspective. I'm going to see her in March and can't wait.

I'm currently in Georgia,...a mile from Florida and the weather is wonderful. My brother got stationed here about 9 months ago and this is the first time I've seen his new house. It's so nice and I love being with my family. My sister-in-law (Jen)'s family always does "find the pickle" in the tree, and whoever finds it gets a gift. So tonight my mom found it, and when she opened her gift it was a small teddy bear wearing a shirt that said "JEN IS PREGNANT".

Everyone freaked out, and I'm so excited to be an Aunt. If it's a girl her name is going to be Emma Claire, which will automatically make me the cool aunt. haha. But of course I will be regardless. Her due date is August 10th which is my grandfather who just passed away's birthday. It would be incredible if it's the same.

The rest of the evening we've all been eating, drinking, and playing Guitar Hero, World Tour. My family is the leasttt bit musically inclined and it's absolutely hilarious.

Other than that this year has gone so fast.! I miss a lot of things. I've made a lot of mistakes. However, overall I couldn't be happier with all of the events that took place. It's so weird to see how much I grow from one year to the next. That's a huge reason I like this journal because it really helps me keep track. I'm not one of those people with no regrets, but the ones from this year were minimal, so I'm very pleased.

I can only hope that 2009 holds good things for myself and all of the lovely people I surround myself with.


Merry Christmas everyone.!

Friends only.
Just add me and chances are I'll add you back.

It's currently 5am and I have to wake up in 2 hours to work all day. Sweet. I miss Nate. I feel like people who read this get sick of me saying that. I get sick of saying it too, it'd be great if I never had to miss him.

Tonight I went and saw that Zach and Miri make a Porno. It was good, but not as funny as I thought it was going to be. Other than that nothing is new in my life. I've come to the diagnosis that I am in fact depressed. Most days I sleep all day and care to do absolutely nothing else. Tomorrow I'll probably get home from work and sleep, and then stay up until 5 again. I think tomorrow night, however, I'm gonna dope myself up on Advil PM.

That's all,...I'm getting tired so i should take advantage of that. Goodnight.

Last night I went out to dinner with some very missed friends of mine. One of them had just come back from Iraq, so it was great to see him safe and sound. He started talking about the house and all the ridiculous shit that happened there. Nate brought up all the times that i would get really drunk and do something silly, and then i would just run upstairs and everyone would forget about it. But 5 minutes later i would come back down and do something else just as silly and so on and so forth. Or how randomly in the midst of the morning you could often find me in the basement dancing by myself. Sometimes i forget how amazing those times really were. I would do many things to go back to those nights.

I seriously have the most fucked up sleeping patterns. I stay up every night until 4 or 5. Wake up, go to class. The come back and sleep until 6pm. I'm trying to stop, but I can't.

I miss Nate. The impulsive person that I am says that we should just get an apartment together asap, however I'm trying to be very logical, so we've decided to give it all plenty of time. There will always be plenty of apartments for whenever we're ready, and as much as I think I am, I'm probably not. That's all.

So I've decided to change my major from Communications to History. I've always liked history, and it was the only class in HS i remained in Honors from Freshman year on. I feel like by being a teacher you can make a real impact on someone's life. I want to educate the youth of our Nation so I can play a real part in hopefully changing this country for the better. Having summer off would rock. No matter what happens with the economy we will always need teachers, so it's safe. The major is generally easy, just lots of memorizing which I'm good at. So there,...it's done. Maybe next year I'll change my major again, who knows. For now think this is a good one.

So much to talk about. It's been too long.

First off, I am over joyed with the election results. It was honestly the best birthday present I could have gotten, and for the first time in a long time I have some faith in the American people. Also the fact that only the majority of Senior Citizens who voted supported McCain, and the majority of voters under 44 years old voted Obama gives me a lot of hope for our future Generations. And I know it's not about race, but truly having an African American president is a hugeee step for our country and I'm completely smitten that I was able to be apart of the history. So even if you don't like Obama I'd hope that you can at least look at it for that reason to be a positive thing for our Nation. And if you can't look at that as positive, then you're very ignorant and I'm glad your vote didn't count.

Secondly, today was my birthday. Honestly, other than this election it was just bleh, like any other day. I really did absolutely nothing. I did get a thousand birthday wishes and that was absolutely lovely. So a huge thank you to everyone.!!

Thirdly, This past weekend I flew to California to see Nate on the Sassyback tour. I miss him so much already. On Halloween we were in Vegas and it was amazing. We stayed at Treasure Island which was super nice.! When I was in LA at the House of Blues I walked into nate's dressing room and saw Ashley Simpson and Pete Wentz come walking out of their bathroom. It all went too fast leaving me no time to be star struck, however enough time to realize she's hugeee and he's a midget. Disneyland and San Diego were also amazing. I've never been to the West Coast so all the scenery was just amazing to see. Only 2 more weeks until I see Nate's lovely face again so that's exciting.

Overall, I've been doing very well.!

So I am now only a part time student at Montclair, and I'm moving home and commuting 3 days a week. I feel really guilty for taking advantage of 'home' for such a long time. People don't understand the type of place it is, and all you ever want to do is get out and get away from it. But the more I've grown up in the past 5 months, and the more I think about it, it's not such a bad place. It really makes you appreciate the simple things in life, and I really like that.

So the past week has been amazing. I took a train to Connecticut on Wednesday and surprised Nate at their show. I have mixed feelings about The Webster, but all in all it was a fabulous show. Miss Kate came along and I love her so it was wonderful. That night we stayed at Sammy the Bull's which is always a pleasure. However, I passed out as soon as I got there. Thursday we were in Philly, and Nick, Kate, Nate and myself took a double date across the street for some amazing sushi where I had my first of 3 sake bombs. It was fantastic.! Friday night they played New Hampshire, which very surprisingly was awesome.! The kids were so nuts. However, one of them stole my cell phone so that sorta put a big buzz kill on the whole night. Hopefully I have a new one by Wednesday. Lastly, Saturday was NYC. The Nokia theater itself is amazing.! One of the nicest venues I've ever been to. The kids were not as amazing though, sorta zombie's, but to each is own. After the show I was forced to say goodbye to Nate, bleh does not get easier. This tour goes forever so I won't be seeing him until November, err don't wanna talk about it.

Lastly, I'm 99% sure I'm dropping out of school this week. I can't do it. Not yet atleast.

After being away for the past 4 months, and saying that I'm never going back, I've decided to go home. I'm just absolutely miserable at this college and basically the only time I'm having a good time, is when I'm off in another state with Nate. I also don't want to waste my mothers money for me to do bad in school. I just feel so lost because I hate it here, but I hate where I come from too, so i feel like I belong absolutely nowhere. Some of the good news is that my sister is done with county this coming Spring and she wants to apply to montclair. And in the case that she gets in, my mom is going to move here. The biggest thing is that I just hate dorming here. I think if I commuted it wouldn't be as bad. But that is too far in the future to think about. For now, dear Belvidere, see you in a few months. Please be good to me.

So I've been doing a lot of thinking, combined with a lot of crying and have come to the conclusion that I am really not happy at this school. Once in a blue moon I'll have an amazing night and it will be tons of fun, but for the most part I feel like I'm in prison. I go to class, sit in my dorm, go to more class, go sit in my dorm. eat some meals in between. Eventually go to the gym, and come home to go to bed. I think a lot of me misses nate a lot too, but for the most part I am really just not happy here. I feel like I'd rather go to school part time but unfortunately thats out of the question. My moms whole thing is that she will pay for our education, but we must go full time and keep a 2.75 GPA. If you decide to go part time then you are deciding to work full time an in that case are responsible enough to pay for your own school, car insurance, cell phone ect. None of which I can do. So we'll see how this goes, my mom wants me to stick it out until may.

Lots of good things happening. I got a job, at the 6 bro's diner which is right on Route 3 like 2 min from Giant Stadium. Today was my first day and it went well. The girls who work there said on an average weekend morning they make 100-200 dollars. Which meansss that I will now have money to fund my lovely trip for Halloween weekend, where you can find me in LA, Vegas, and Disneyland with nate. :-) It will also allow me to pay credit card bills anddd Go on vacation with Nate in Januaryy.! I'm so excited for all the things to come. Aside from the fun thins I need to start doing school work. I haven't not been doing it, but I haven't been focusing on it. And since this is the beginning of the next 4 years of my life, I better get use to doing some work because i doubt I can bs my way through here like I did HS.

So to sum it up. Things are finally going really well.
I just started dieting and I'm losing weight already which makes me feel like going to the gym is actually worth it.
I wish some people would grow up a bit, but it's understandable.
I miss Nate.

Hmm what is new, what is new.?

Three weeks ago I started school at Montclair State University. It's a lovely little campus and all. At first I was not too fond of this place. The first week before classes start everyone goes to all the frat and sorority parties; however, I'm not a huge fan of them so I only attended one. Leaving me for the most part very bored. that is until I met a select few lovely individuals who I could relate too and finally have fun with. After my first week of Classes Nate came, and he just left today. Even my roommate said she was sad, because it began to feel like he lived here. I adapted to college with him, so now that he's gone it's odd. I am not sure what to do with my time.

While he was here it was glorious. Last week we went to the CD release party for Gym Class Heroes and there were all these celebs there. It was weird. We both got very drunk and successfully caught the last train home at 12:34. On Wednesday I took Nate to see his very first baseball game, and of course I took him to see the Mets. They kicked butt and I've converted him from being a yankees fan to a Mets. My family is proud. This past tuesday we went to the city yet again and went to Red bamboo and then A&K once more. Good times as always.

For the most part I don't like my classes. Except for History, and Rap and Rock as a culture, because who wouldnt love that class. it just rocks. I skipped a few classes while nate was here which I am not proud of, but from now on I'm going to attend all of them for sure. I need a job really bad too. Except I need to be able to do school work and all as well. lalalala Lots going on.


Secondly I haven't been to many shows lately and I'm missing live music.

Thirdly Currently way into:

Valencia,...still.
Good Old War
Gym Class Heroes
The Starting Line
Sing it Loud
and Wheat...still

Nate flies in at 1:30.! thankk the lord.